Dear Ava: on client/provider romance, what’s in a reference, and more…

This week, I tackle reader questions about how to tell if your favorite escort is interested in becoming your girlfriend (spoiler alert: she isn’t), booking a provider when you’re disabled, what’s really being said about you in those reference requests, and more.

Dear Ava,
How can you tell if a lady likes you and if there could be more than a client/provider relationship possible?  I know this is very tricky as a lady will treat you nicely, unless you are a jerk or something.  But let’s face it, they are women as well, with feelings, desires, and attractions just like any other.

You’re right, we are women (and men!) with feelings, desires, and attractions… But we’re also businesspeople with bills, boundaries, and private lives. So first of all, you need to consider that there’s a fairly good chance she isn’t single in the first place, regardless of what she says. Escorts talking about their significant others can be a bit of a boner killer for clients, so those of us who are in some kind of committed relationship in our private lives generally avoid making it publicly known. Think about it, if she’s that fantastic, doesn’t it stand to reason that someone’s already recognized that and put a ring on it? But beyond that…. Even if we like you, even if we genuinely care for you on some level, you are first and foremost paying clients for us. The time we spend with you is how we feed our families, pay our mortgages, get ourselves out of debt, and take care of all of the other adult-y things that make up the rest of our lives. Why on Earth would we want to trade a good, paying client who is positively influencing our financial situation for a non-contributing boyfriend? Bit of a downgrade, don’t you think? Look, I’ve seen Pretty Woman, too. And I’ve heard the Urban Heaux Legends about escorts who fall in love with their clients and give it all up because love conquers all. But do you know what most of those relationships have in common? The client was wealthy enough to fully subsidize her entire life and allow her to quit working altogether. I don’t know you, though. Maybe you are a man of great means who is ready, willing, and able to whisk your favorite escort off to a life (or a season) of endless comfort and luxury. If that’s the case, go for it! Tell her how you feel, offer her the world, and see what happens. Mazel Tov to you both! However, if you’re just some salt of the earth working stiff who thinks his escort might like him beyond the confines of a provider/client relationship, you need to realize that by becoming her non-paying boyfriend, you are diminishing her income. Way to go, new boyfriend. You’ve just made it that much harder for her to support herself. But Ava, love is more important than money and I don’t want the transactional nature of our relationship to get in the way of us having a fulfilling, beautiful romance! Okay, guy. You want to know if she like likes you enough to go beyond the client/provider relationship you have now? There’s one foolproof test that will give you your answer real quick. Next time you book an appointment, don’t give her an envelope when you meet.*


Dear Ava,
How do I ask for more subtle PDA during the social/public part of a date? Ex: while walking around downtown, waiting in line, etc.

As an escort, it’s our job to make you happy. We do our very best to figure out what you like and how you like it so that you can feel like you’re on the best date of your life every time you’re with us. Occasionally, we guess wrong and find ourselves in a situation like the one you described, where what we think you want isn’t what you actually want. Happens to the best of us. So how do you guide us towards what you want without killing the mood? Subtly. Let’s say you’re in line for the theater and your date decides that it’s the perfect time to grab a handful of your ass and spell out every dirty thing she’s going to do to you when you get back to your room…. with her tongue…. in your ear. While you could leap backwards, shoving her off of you with a panicked shriek of, “Halt, wanton woman!” that’s neither subtle nor polite. If everyone around you wasn’t staring before, you can bet they will be now. Instead, go for a bit of gentle distraction. Step aside for a moment to adjust an imaginary issue with your shoe, or excuse yourself to make a pretend phone call. It will get your date off of you without having to make a “thing” out of it. Once you’ve disentangled yourself from her limbs or whatever, softly say something along the lines of, “Hey, if we were back in the room I’d be all over you, but do you mind if we play it cool while we’re out? I don’t want to draw too much attention to us/I’m worried that I might run into someone I know/I’m a little shy about having you grope my genitals in front of a room of strangers.” Any decent provider will totally understand and tone it down until you’re back behind closed doors.


Dear Ava,
If you’re a severely disabled client, how do you find a SW willing to see you with out scaring them away?

If a provider doesn’t specifically mention being able to accommodate disabled clients, it’s perfectly okay to want to ask ahead of time. In fact, I’m sure most providers would prefer getting a heads up so that there are no surprises that they may or may not be comfortable with. Most importantly, I’d suggest completing whatever screening process that they have first. Many providers have strict rules regarding initial contact and the best way to open up the floor for an honest discussion is to show them that you’re serious about booking. Once you’ve gotten that out of the way, feel free to send a brief, polite email outlining your disability and sharing any relevant information that you feel may influence their decision to meet you. Offer to send a photo, if you’re concerned that your disability may be upsetting/shocking to them. You have to remember, we don’t all have experience with disabled clients and we aren’t talking about simply serving you a meal at a restaurant. We’re talking about sharing incredibly intimate moments with you and– hopefully- making the entire experience seem as natural and comfortable as possible. That is much easier to do if we know what to expect. Just be careful about going into too much graphic sexual detail, since that’s usually a red flag for us. If they respond favorably, be open and honest about what your needs and limitations are and help ease any potential awkwardness by educating them about your particular disability, and how they might be able to provide a pleasurable fun experience for both of you. As long as you’re honest and open, you should be just fine. *Note* I’m not really well educated about disability-related language, so please forgive me if any of this comes off as ableist or awkward in any way. And feel free to shoot me an email if you feel that I could word any of this better!


Dear Ava,
What do escorts tell each other when responding to a client reference request? Is it strictly business, “Was he on time? Clean? Respectful?”  Or is it, “Please tell me about him. What is he like? Did he try to please you? Did he bring gifts? Would you see him again? Any suggestions?” I have always wondered, what impression did I make? Will I be remembered–in a good way?

References are one of those things that if you ask a dozen providers, you’ll get a dozen opinions. I’ve written to countless of providers asking for references for clients and received answers that range all the way from simple and to the point (“He’s safe”) to fairly detailed descriptions of what happened when they met. Most fall somewhere in between. Personally, I write references that answer the main questions (Was he safe? Was he respectful? Would I see him again?) and then add in any details that I think may influence a provider’s decision to see them or have an impact on their date. For example, if he smelled like cigarette smoke, or was slow to leave after our appointment, or if he mentioned being allergic to strong perfumes. For discretion’s sake, I avoid getting into the nitty gritty of our time together. Not only are those details no one’s business but ours, but no two dates are alike. Just because he spent our entire session rubbing my feet and feeding me truffles while we watched Golden Girls reruns doesn’t mean that that’s the date he has in mind for the next provider. Wouldn’t want to get her hopes up, you know? Anyway, if you’re worried about the kind of impression you made, don’t be. If a provider has already agreed to serve as a reference for you, you must have made a good one!


Dear Ava,
Is it ok after a meeting to ask to walk an escort out of the hotel to her cab/bus stop/train station?

This is one of those questions for which there isn’t a hard and fast answer. It really depends on the escort and the situation that you’re in. For example, I take my privacy pretty seriously, which means that I’d rather not have a client walk me out to my car because they’d be able to see my license plate number. However, if I had to walk to a train station late in the evening, I’d probably really appreciate not having to go alone. The best thing to do is just ask! And don’t feel bad if she declines your offer. For all you know, she might want to make a quick pit stop to the hotel restroom, or call the babysitter, or remove her human skin mask and revert to her true demon form once she leaves the room. Having you walk her out would just cramp her style and/or permanently damage your delicate human psyche.


*Dude, seriously, don’t do this. I’m kidding. There’s a .036% chance that it’ll work out in your favor. There is a whatever 100 minus .036% chance that you will end up being blacklisted and possibly kicked in the nuts.


Feel free to send me all of your burning questions for next week’s post! Direct Message me on Twitter @MsAvaStClaire or email me directly at


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