Dear Ava: On fly me to you etiquette, sharing personal details, and more…

This week, we discuss boundaries on fly me to you dates, look at the difference between sharing and emotional manipulation, and try to find the best way to get things started in the bedroom…

Dear Ava,
I am considering a “fly me to you” package with a lady I have not seen before. However, I strongly prefer she did not see other clients during her visit to my city. I know her time is her time, but is this an unreasonable request?  Is this request akin to “can I be your first appointment”, which we have learned is an unwelcome inquiry?

Short answer: yes, that’s an unreasonable (and weirdly controlling) request. Long answer: a fly me to you package is essentially the same as any other date, with the only major difference being that the client is expected to pay for all of the travel costs (flight, lodging, transportation, etc.) to bring the provider to them. Once there, the booking may be longer than average, but it’s still a booking with a definite time frame. Whether you’re flying the lady to you for a 6 hour dinner and a show or a three day trip to the beach, your booking has a beginning and an end. Once your date ends, what the lady chooses to do with the rest of her time has nothing to do with you. As long as she’s paying her own way and not asking you to pay for her hotel for however long she extends her stay, or running up the room service bill in the room you shared while she entertains guests until check out time, you have no say in her plans after your date is over.

But I kind of want to unpack what’s going on with your request in the first place. Why do you “strongly prefer” that she doesn’t see any other clients while she’s visiting? I mean, I’m assuming you aren’t referring to her sneaking out to meet clients while you sleep, or taking 15 minute quickie appointments while you’re in the bathroom— behavior I think we all agree would be inappropriate. Which means that you’re either worried about her seeing clients before you meet, or staying on to see clients after you leave. If you’re worried about her seeing clients before you, is it for the same reasons that clients ask to be the first appointment of the day? So that you may experience her vagina only after it’s been magically cleansed by the healing, restorative powers of a good night’s sleep? Because, as we all know, a vagina requires at least seven hours of indirect moonlight to regenerate after sex, lest the overuse cause it to collapse in on itself. Or is that you’re concerned that she will have so thoroughly exhausted herself with the client before you that by the time you meet, she’ll be a withered husk of her former self, barely able to stand, let alone perform a serviceable blow job? It’s a well known fact that in order to be at her best, an escort will spend all of the time leading up to her one appointment of the day in a cashmere chrysalis, in a state of suspended animation so as not to expend any unnecessary energy before meeting her client. Failing to do so may result in lethargy, partial paralysis, and general crankiness. Unfortunately, these are all risks that you face every time you see an escort, whether in her home city or yours.

If your issue is with her seeing clients after you leave, what is that about? Look, if she chooses to drag her utterly depleted and mostly useless self to another appointment after yours, isn’t that just the bad luck of whatever chump she’s seeing? Or is it a financial thing? Who does she think she is touring on your dime, anyway? If you knew this trip was going to be about making money, you wouldn’t have invited her in the first place! Hell, if that’s what she’s going to be doing, maybe she should be paying you a fee for every client she meets since she wouldn’t even be seeing them if you weren’t bankrolling her little operation, right? If that’s the case, I suggest you tell her what kind of kickback you’re expecting for every client see sees while in your city and see how that goes.

Look, I’m obviously joking. You and I both know that you don’t have a right to tell her how to spend her time once your time together is over. But if it’s really that big of a deal to you, there is one other option. Offer to pay her her full daily rate for however many extra days she was planning to stay. She’ll get to make the most out of her trip financially and do some sightseeing, and you’ll get to rest comfortably in the knowledge that she’s not ho’ing it up all over your city.



Dear Ava,
I know it’s bad form to ask personal questions during a session with a SWer, but should you do the same about yourself? While I have the impulse to open up during a session, I sometimes wonder if it would be viewed as emotional manipulation.

Unless you’re trying to use your own sob stories to provoke some kind of a reaction from a provider (“I just lost my job and my wife is a shopaholic running us into debt, but I just want to feel alive for once in my miserable life… Can I get a discount?”), you probably aren’t being emotionally manipulative by opening up about your personal life. Just like us, you can choose to share as much or as little about yourself as you’d like. Whether that means venting about a problem at work, sharing your excitement about something new happening in your life, reminiscing about your childhood, or telling us stories about your travels, we’re always happy to listen. This job is about so much more than the physical. Sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings is sometimes the most intimate thing you can do. And as you open up to us, you just might find that we’ll start opening up to you too. Just, um, don’t tell us anything incriminating ok? None of us are looking to get taken down by an insider trading scandal.


Dear Ava,
I have a question about initiating intimacy. Please forgive me if it sounds ridiculous, but I remember worrying about this on my first several dates (still do sometimes with new ladies). I never want to come across as aggressive and, of course, I want us to both enjoy ourselves. It is best to be transparent about this and discuss prior to the date? Wait for the SW to make the first move? I never want to cheapen our date and or insult the SW by just saying “let’s go into the bedroom”.

80% of the time, my Dear Ava answers are some variation of, “Discuss it politely with your provider.” But this is one of those times where a little body language goes a long way. As providers, it’s our job to put you at ease and make our time together feel as relaxed and natural as possible. But nervousness and unfamiliarity can sometimes make it difficult to smoothly transition from one activity to another. If the provider you’re seeing doesn’t seem to be taking the lead, or is taking a more laid back approach than you were hoping for, a few subtle physical cues are usually all that you need to get your point across. No— grabbing her hand and shoving it down your pants is not subtle, so you can get that idea right out of your head. First, get closer to her. If you’re sitting on the sofa and she’s across the room in an easy chair, invite her to sit next to you. Offer a foot massage. Gently stroke her arm as you talk. Wonder aloud about what perfume she’s wearing then lean in to smell the way it mixes with her own scent . Basically find any excuse to get closer and touch her in a gentle, romantic way. Nine times out of ten, we’ll get the hint and reciprocate in kind. If that doesn’t lead anywhere, try this: “Do you mind if I go freshen up and get more comfortable?” It’s the perfect line because it doesn’t leave a lot of room for misinterpretation, shows that you respect the importance of good hygiene, and sets the tone for whatever is coming next without you coming across as pushy. When you come out of the bathroom, instead of heading back to the sitting area, relax on the bed. You’ll be cozying up to each other in no time.

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